Saturday, April 13, 2013

Find the pony

Many years ago, I read an article that explained the difference between optimism and pessimism that has always struck a chord with me. I've never been able to find it again, but here is the gist of the story:

A little boy is put into a room full of brand new toys. From floor to ceiling, everywhere he looks, there are shiny new things to play with. After a couple hours have passed, the researchers check on him, only to discover that he hasn't touched a single toy. Nothing has been opened, and nothing has been played with. When they asked him why he wasn't playing with anything, he said "Why should I? It will probably just break anyway. And besides, this toy is for girls, and that toy needs batteries, and I'm too big for that toy." The researchers could clearly see that this little boy was a true pessimist.

The little boy's twin brother was also put into a room, but his room was filled knee-high with shit. After a couple hours, the researchers checked on him as well, and found him covered from head to toe with poo. There was shit on the walls, the ceiling, and the door. Aghast, they asked him what he was doing. "Well, with all this poop, I figured there has to be a pony in her somewhere!!" he exclaimed, and dived back into the muck in search of the pony.

Boom. Optimism at its finest.

That, folks, is our challenge while managing our invisible illnesses--finding the pony in the pile of shit, everyday. Whether your particular pile of shit includes physical symptoms such as pain and fatigue, or real-life problems such as bills, family conflicts, and stress, there is a pony to be found in there somewhere!

I'm not encouraging you to turn a blind eye to your troubles. What I think we all need to do with more regularity, however, is to shift our focus just a little. That pile of shit is NOT the only thing in our life. Obviously, it is a big deal, but it is not the sum of our existence. There is so much more to this lovely chaos that we call "life" than whatever awful thing we are focused on right at this moment.

It's time to get hardcore Pollyanna on yourself. Be glad about something. Start small, and make it a conscious choice. If you are in terrible pain today, for example, stop focusing on that and for a moment appreciate that you *can* feel pain. Life would be immeasurably more challenging if you couldn't feel pain as a result of paralysis. If you are fed up with having to take multiple medications to manage your condition, stop for a minute and try to appreciate what it would be like if you had no medications at all to help you. These are not exercises in self-pity, but rather practicing stepping back from the mountain and realizing it's more of a really big molehill when compared to the rest of your life.

Be glad that the sun is shining, and that there even is a sun to shine. Be glad that stars come out at night. Be glad that you have someone in your life that understands. Be glad that there is always tomorrow. Be glad that you can sit, stand, walk, run, swim, jump, kneel, and skip. Be glad that there are people that can do those things and find joy in them, even if you can't. Be glad that as long as you are breathing, there is hope for something better.

If you can't find even one itty bitty thing to be glad of, one teensy thing to feel gratitude for, then at least be thankful that you get another chance to LIVE today. I'm sure there are countless people that are no longer with us that would have given anything for just One. More. Day.

Find your inner optimist. Yank them our of their hiding places by the hair if you have to. Hold onto that silver lining for the precious thing that it is, and practice your gratitude--especially on your worst days--because it may be all that you have. And, when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, if you still cannot muster up an ounce of thanks, that's okay. We have all had days like that. Tell yourself that you will try again tomorrow. And for the love of everything that means anything to you, DO it.

Find that damn pony, and ride that sucker off into the sunset!

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Roid Rage (...and a little swearing)

I've discovered yet another fabulous symptom of hypothyroidism...Roid Rage, as in, Thyroid Rage...unpredictable mood swings turning so hatefully angry, I feel like I'm a small step away from committing actual violence. Each swing is a desperate emotional battle, an inner war waged between my intellect, which is fully aware of the irrational degree of my fury, and my emotional basket case self that wants to set the world on fire, simply because it exists.

It's a vicious monkey on my back, one that I cannot coherently explain to my husband, or my daughter, or anyone. It screeches and pounds it's fists into my brain, ripping at the roots of my self-control. I know it sounds like a ridiculous cop-out, "Oh, Me? I'm being pissy because my thyroid is under active." Any rational person would stare at me as if I were a professional dealer in excuses, hawking my wares to unsuspecting victims of my fickle temper. And I simply don't know how to make it make sense to someone who doesn't know what it feels like.

Perhaps the worst thing of all is that as the Roid Rage Monster storms it's way through the downtown Tokyo of my mind, I'm fully aware of how wrong it is, but I just don't care. It's not only that it hijacks my personality that is so devastating, but it also steals any fucks that I might have given about it in the first place. It robs me of me, and I'm helpless to stop it.

When will this stop? I've been on the same dose of medication for 4 weeks now, and have seen only the barest modicum of improvement. For now, I'm left wrestling with this not-me that is angry and ugly and mean. My doppelganger is a bitch, and I don't like her at all. I wish I could tell her that things will get better, this angry other self of mine. I feel like a spectator at my own festival of crazy, sometimes. Till then, I'll keep riding this roller-coaster and keeping a white-knuckle grip on my sanity for as long as it takes.