I've discovered yet another fabulous symptom of hypothyroidism...Roid Rage, as in, Thyroid Rage...unpredictable mood swings turning so hatefully angry, I feel like I'm a small step away from committing actual violence. Each swing is a desperate emotional battle, an inner war waged between my intellect, which is fully aware of the irrational degree of my fury, and my emotional basket case self that wants to set the world on fire, simply because it exists.
It's a vicious monkey on my back, one that I cannot coherently explain to my husband, or my daughter, or anyone. It screeches and pounds it's fists into my brain, ripping at the roots of my self-control. I know it sounds like a ridiculous cop-out, "Oh, Me? I'm being pissy because my thyroid is under active." Any rational person would stare at me as if I were a professional dealer in excuses, hawking my wares to unsuspecting victims of my fickle temper. And I simply don't know how to make it make sense to someone who doesn't know what it feels like.
Perhaps the worst thing of all is that as the Roid Rage Monster storms it's way through the downtown Tokyo of my mind, I'm fully aware of how wrong it is, but I just don't care. It's not only that it hijacks my personality that is so devastating, but it also steals any fucks that I might have given about it in the first place. It robs me of me, and I'm helpless to stop it.
When will this stop? I've been on the same dose of medication for 4 weeks now, and have seen only the barest modicum of improvement. For now, I'm left wrestling with this not-me that is angry and ugly and mean. My doppelganger is a bitch, and I don't like her at all. I wish I could tell her that things will get better, this angry other self of mine. I feel like a spectator at my own festival of crazy, sometimes. Till then, I'll keep riding this roller-coaster and keeping a white-knuckle grip on my sanity for as long as it takes.
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